You Said Something

Well, I could write eighty paragraphs about last night if I were in the mood to be a completest. Is “completest” even a word? Let me check…Yep”ptt. But I’m not in that mood anyway. Not right now at least. Later on I’ll have to write up a few of the side events but, for now, I’ll try to stick to my main point.

So I’ll just say that two unexpected things happened to me last night. But first a quick set-up of the evening: had a meeting, went to an after-meeting meeting at the bar, ran into JetBlue, she missed the first meeting because she was at a wake for someone killed in a gang-related shooting. Pretty much a typical night for me.

Anyway, after she arrived it took me a little while to wander down to her, you know, ’cause I play it cool. But when I did I realized that she was crying a little bit. Shit–not the time to play it cool. But, anyway, we got into a big discussion related to gangs and orphaned children and her job. A crazy, fucked up job to have to face every day if you ask me. I don’t know how she or anyone else does it. But, I don’t want to get into the gory details of the discussion, instead I want to jump ahead to the end of the evening.

As I’ve mentioned before, no one around us knows for sure what is or isn’t going on between us. That’s easy enough because I’m a little vague on what is or isn’t going on myself. I’m more than happy to tell people–hell, I do it here. But in the past, JetBlue has avoided naming me when telling D. a story I was directly involved in. So I’ve respected her reticence–you know, especially since someone else is still #1 on her list as far as I can tell. But, anyway, as she was leaving, JetBlue gave me a big ol’ hug and a kiss right there in front of D. and Dr. B! It was so sweet and so unexpected and, yes, so openly affectionate that I melted a bit.

Okay, so that was the first unexpected thing.

After I left the bar the text messaging ensued. Sort of a continuation of the earlier conversation. Not unexpected. But after that was all done I noticed something, a feeling inside me so surprising to me that at first I didn’t understand where it was coming from. I certainly didn’t expect it. And then I realized what it was: I really, truly cared about how she felt. I was feeling her hurt. And not just the way that any normal person is able to feel another’s pain. I longed to be with her and hold her because that was what she needed.

Holy shit, I’m thinking to myself. The defensive walls that I had around my heart are fucking crumbling right before my eyes and it wasn’t of my own volition. So here I am today, feeling good, feeling happy, feeling vulnerable, feeling again.

As I write this, I know I should be building those walls back up right now. I mean, the future is still very uncertain; if my heart is fully into this, I could be headed for a huge let down. Most likely headed for the huge let down. But instead what’s on my mind is I’m thinking I should call her just to see how she is doing and I wonder how her day is going and I’m, yeah, wondering if some small part of her heart is being reserved for me right now.

I’m so fucking stupid to be letting this happen but here it goes…

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