Archive for July, 2007

The Long Slow Trip to Hitting Rock Bottom

July 29, 2007

I don’t know, but it might just be a warning sign that I’m loving Amy Winehouse lately. I mean, come on, “Rehab” has got to be the best bar song. Evah. And, the line “And sniff me out like I was Tanqueray” (from “You Know I’m No Good”) has got to be the best line anyone has ever come out with. But, anyway.

Yesterday was a mixed up day for me. Earlier in the week I had hoped to be spending the day with Afternoon Girl, but that didn’t work out so I was very bummed out about that. On the plus side, I was getting things done in the morning, plus spending some time with the kids. But then in the afternoon–which I set aside to get a lot of shit done–I was so scattered and unproductive that it drove me down and started to cloud my brain. You know what I mean. I knew I had plenty of stuff to get done and instead I’d drive five miles to the store to get gum and smoke a cigarette and then get back home pissed off at myself for wasting time and then sit down to do that work and then minutes later find myself sorting out photos on my computer that don’t really need sorting and then getting more down on myself about that. On top of that no one was returning my text messages and phone calls so I was getting paranoid that I had done something the night before to alienate everyone around me. Hey, I know it’s pitiful, but when I’m in a tailspin like that that’s the way I think.

So, anyway, I decided to do what every depressed person should do. I went out to fill my body with everyone’s favorite depressant. And, sad to say for all of you self-righteous people shaking your heads at me right now, being out at the bar with a bunch of friends and a moderate amount of alcohol was just what I needed to get back on an even keel. Well, actually it all started with a call back from Afternoon Girl. I got to talk out my bad day and hear lots of reassurance and support and friend love and all that. She even promised to crack the whip if that was what I needed, hehe.

Then the secret bar was filled with most of the people that I like best nowadays: the Pharmacist, D.R., D., the Jilted One, not to mention C.G. and the beautiful bartender. Lots of stories were told, lots of typical bar banter–and let me tell you, it’s nice to go to what seems like your own private little club, the bar banter can get pretty fucking hilarious and out there. Then, at one point when I was talking to the Jilted One, an appropos Concrete Blonde song came on and she started singing it to me while stroking my arm. It was a surreal moment. Picturing us hanging out together is like picturing…picturing, um, well too totally opposite things that are hard to picture together.

So, anyway, part of the gang headed out to Spiffled to go to some other bar and D. and the Jilted One headed up the hill to the usual bar. I eventually followed. Up the hill, the bar was filled with lots of people none of us knew so we trashed talked everyone and D. called them amateurs–you know, people who only drink on weekends and think they’re badasses. Not too much was happening there of interest. I talked to Afternoon Girl again on the phone, so that was a sweet part of the evening. Oh, and the Jilted One insisted that we do a Tur’bo together–another sweet, surreal moment for me. And–I just remembered this one–afterward she was putting on lip gloss and put some of it on my lips. That was freakin’ funny and–what’s better–it was a sweet reminder of Afternoon Girl and her lip gloss and all.

And what was crazy about what seemed like a long night was that I was headed home by one A.M. It felt like it was long gone after two, but time must’ve stopped at some point in the evening.

Anyway, that was my long Saturday. We’ll see what Sunday brings me. Wish me luck.

Advertisements

What I Should Have Done

July 28, 2007

Well, last night I went out with Tattoo Guy. I thought that that meant it was going to be a crazy, ‘shoulda-went-to-Confession-before-my-imminent-demise’ kind of night. But, in fact, he was low key. I won’t go into the reasons why, but suffice to say he has a serious row to hoe.

Okay, I admit that that phrasing sounds funny, but it really isn’t meant to. Although, come to think of it, “hoe to row” on the other hand is frickin’ funny.

Anyway, he decided to go home around ten so we left the secret bar and I gave him a ride back up the hill. On the way back to his place I noted that perhaps I’ve been going out too much–I was just able to leave the bar without a thought of paying my tab. (Okay, I know I’ve been going out too much, but that’s still an interesting observation).

So, after dropping him off I called Afternoon Girl and we talked on the phone awhile–many happy moments right there. Then I headed back to the secret bar. It was a fairly quiet night. At one point it was down to myself and JetBlue and the owner and a very drunk guy who’s there a lot. The only conversation I really remember was one that the owner started with JB, inquiring if she ever was involved in a foursome. Yeah. Well, that was the level of discourse. Anyway, around one the owner decided to close–and that would’ve been a good time for me to head home–but as he started to pack up a new group of people arrived and the cycle started all over again.

The drunk guy, now even drunker, was being so stereotypical–dancing on tables, trying to do handstands, dancing like a doofus. If there were a lampshade, he woulda been wearing it.

There was also some woman there who kept borrowing cigarettes from me. And of course I kept letting her because she was being all flirty about it. Not that I suspected she was seriously flirting–I know the ‘I want one of your cigarettes, buddy, whoever the fuck you are’ type of flirting. Anyway, once she found out my last name, it set off some singing of some late sixties classic rock.

And then I saw my bar tab and I knew I had been there way, way, way too long. I’ll be collecting cans by the roadside today…

At any rate, that hour breezed by and the cigarette Borrower promised to buy me cigarettes “next time”–hehe, what fuckin’ next time? That’s one thing I don’t get: why be all insincere like that? I gave you cigarettes because I’m generally generous with them anyway–I wasn’t asking for any payback and I certainly don’t need vague promises. Just say thanks and go.

Anyway.

See you next time, Borrower.

Confession #1

July 27, 2007

Okay, so I have to be totally honest with you, dear readers: I’ve been to Applebee’s three times already this summer.

Yeah, I know what you’re saying: “You’ve avoided places like Applebee’s for YEARS. What kind of bad acid trip are you on?”

But, wait. It’s worse. Okay, not only have I been there three times, I pretty much like eating there. So, please, anyone want to organize an intervention on my behalf?

I’m kinda afraid to tell Afternoon Girl that I’ve NEVER been to Outback. And yet, the addictive part of my personality just let it slip out here in the blog.

All else I can say is that we had a lovely evening. I want–no need–More of those. 

No Time

July 26, 2007

Sorry, dear readers, for not setting aside enough time for you. You’ve heard the excuses before so I won’t repeat them.

As far as updates go, in the ever-evolving world of me, I’ve been finding myself spending more time with the likes of Tattoo Guy much more so than D. It’s always something different. Although, in fact I was hanging around with D. last night when I met CC, who like me is a high school teacher. I’m not saying there was anything there, but you never know kids, younever know.

Meanwhile, I’ll be seeing Afternoon Girl today. Should be sweet. I never get to see her nearly enough for my liking. Oh well, what can ya do? That’s the way things go.

And then later on tonight I would not be at all surprised if you were to find me at the secret bar. Nothing new of interest to report on JetBlue or K2. I’ve seen them out a lot lately, but I’ve been laying relatively low. K2 is as mercurial as ever and JetBlue still seems to be caught up in finding badasses. I guess I’ll just have to ramp up my bad assedness down at the bar.

Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll have a good night and I hope you do too.

Brattl’boro Shots

July 22, 2007

I tend not to take scenic shots. Feel free to send your caption for this photo…
dsc06843.jpg

But, every once in a while a semi-pretty shot is necessary. Brattl’boro is nice, isn’t it?
dsc06841.jpg

And then I threw my pants away.
dsc06831.jpg

Après Rilke les cigarettes ont coulé…
dsc06839.jpg

Sick

July 22, 2007

Okay, so I’m really sick today. I don’t know but being Catholic and all, I kind of believe that god’s punishing me for putting off my schoolwork until the last minute and having an enjoyable day yesterday. At any rate I have a bit of a fever and a sore throat and general malaise. Sucks.

Yesterday, I went up to Brattleboro (perhaps pictures will follow later) with Caseybug in search of the elusive DMN. We had made tentative plans with him but apparently they fell through–without him letting us in on that. That’s all cool though. We had a great day: ate at the best Thai restaurant evah (with the funniest waiter evah), went to a couple of bookstores, The Underground (no we weren’t looking for bongs or pipes), the CD place (I got me some Sigur Ros), and of course the coffee shop where we were supposed to meet DMN. All else I have to say is “O, Lorenzo!” Long story why, but it involves buying a book-lengthed poem written in the early 1800’s and doing a dramatic reading of it.

Like I said, it was a good day but now I’m sick and I’m totally struggling with getting my work done. But, nevertheless, I’m off to do some of it now.

Wish me luck.

I’m Just Whining

July 20, 2007

And I’ve written pages upon pages trying to rid you from my bones…

Well, if you’re a longtime reader you may recall that I brought up the issue of depression a long time ago. I hadn’t mentioned it since because, for months, I was doing great. Coping with issues, keeping focused and organized. All that fun stuff.

But for these last few days I haven’t been all that happy. Sure I’ve had happy moments–some incredibly great moments even. But, as I feared would happen though, I’ve become a disorganized, scattered mess. And I’ve been dwelling rather than doing. And all this is popping up and smacking me around in all sorts of ways. You know, the issues I have are ones that I should be able to cope with without my brain becoming a big, addled mess. But, for the moment, my ability to sort things out and cope with them has jumped the tracks. I don’t know why. It just has.

So, what am I having trouble sorting through…let’s see…

First off, I think this is all coming to a head because I have to teach on Monday–and have to plan the lessons I’m teaching–on a subject that I know little about and have had incredible trouble learning with any sense of surety. Not only am I nervous about how things will turn out, I’m also down on myself for not being able to grasp the subject. I’m supposed to be smart enough to learn any high school subject, right? But who knows how it’ll turn out. On the plus side there, no matter how bad I screw up it’ll all be done in two weeks.

Add to that that I miscalculated how much money I had in the bank and accidentally overdrafted on one of my accounts. I’m so fucking stupid. Again, it’s that disorganization in my brain that screwed myself over. I’m usually so organized with my money and now I do this to myself? My brain is just so muddled right now.

Oh, and on top of that, I’ve had a mysterious physical problem pop up and I’m scared shitless by it and preoccupied with it. I’m hoping it just goes away, because if not I have to call the doctor (which I hate doing in the first place) and then spend the time leading up to my appointment imagining the worst case scenarios. I already am in fact.

And if all that wasn’t enough, my dearest Afternoon Girl is going through a lot of stress herself and, because she is such a close friend of mine, that makes me sad and worried for her. Feeling helpless to fix her difficulties just gets me down even more. I hope the support and advice I’m giving at least helps. I think it does, but I wish I could do more.

And, I’m glad I wrote this, because I just realized that one of the things I haven’t been doing that I should be doing is talking about some of these different things. Holy shit I’m a genious for not even realizing until now that that’s part of the problem–I shut down a coping strategy that I had been using these past few months. 

Anyway, I’ve whined and rambled long enough. I’ll be back with a happier post sometime soon.

See ya.

Awarding

July 19, 2007

Today’s “Making the Most of a Limited Amount of Time” Award goes to:

Afternoon Girl and yours truly. Indeed. Though we only had about an hour and a half together yesterday we managed to fit in a light dinner, some shopping (mmm, ibuprofins are a yummy dessert), and some quality time together. After not seeing each other for quite some time it was sweet to finally not be talking on the phone.

Anyway, not much time to write so I just thought I would update you briefly…

The Toothbrush

July 17, 2007

As I think I’ve mentioned before, the Pharmacist (formerly known as R.) is a very sensitive guy. Certainly the most sensitive truck driver I’ve ever met. And he’s been having this thing with the bartender–in fact, I’m pretty sure it qualifies as a “JetBlue Relationship.”

Well, anyway, the other night he was going on about how he needed to confront her about an issue that was weighing heavy on his mind.

The Pharmacist: Dude, if she’s not seeing anyone else, why are there two toothbrushes in her bathroom?

Me: Well, there could be a lot of different reasons.

The Pharmacist: But, dude, should I confront her now about it? What should I do?

Me: You mean here at the bar?  About her toothbrushes?

The Pharmacist (laughing) : Okay, dude, I get your point.

Me: And don’t be confrontational. When you’re over at her place just ask her casually.

The Pharmacist: But how will I know if she’s telling the truth.

Me: Well…I don’t know.

The Pharmacist: I just wanna know about that toothbrush. It’s driving me mental.

A few seconds later, the crazy guy walks by mumbling something half to himself, half to the Pharmacist.

The Pharmacist: What’s that CG?

Me: He’s says it’s his toothbrush.

At that point the Pharmacist pretty much fell out of his chair laughing.

Well, that’s all I have for now. Just one of several scenes I don’t want to forget…

Since I’m Not Writing

July 16, 2007

I know, I know, two weeks and few posts of note. I’m really hoping to have a (and I mean just one) rainy day soon so I can catch up. I’m beginning to forget the good shit. You know, like the night that I discovered that A. (formerly erroneously thought of as JetBlue’s #1 man) also has a thing for K2. Fuck. Damn you, A. Just when I knew that you had no interest in JetBlue I have to find this out?

And the night when A. and M. and JetBlue and K2 and myself were talking about getting some late night food and JetBlue just suddenly drove off to Chickerpee–as the rest of us were deciding to go home. Oh snap! That was the same night…

 Anyway, since I’m not blogging, here are some blog entries that I’ve liked lately from other, better bloggers:

Two old friends meet again

Charming but single always has something good

Lisa’s thinking about weddings

Ahhh, being passive-aggressive

and finally, Kris from “I’m not a girl, not yet a wino” with some powerful relationship stuff.