I’m Just Whining

And I’ve written pages upon pages trying to rid you from my bones…

Well, if you’re a longtime reader you may recall that I brought up the issue of depression a long time ago. I hadn’t mentioned it since because, for months, I was doing great. Coping with issues, keeping focused and organized. All that fun stuff.

But for these last few days I haven’t been all that happy. Sure I’ve had happy moments–some incredibly great moments even. But, as I feared would happen though, I’ve become a disorganized, scattered mess. And I’ve been dwelling rather than doing. And all this is popping up and smacking me around in all sorts of ways. You know, the issues I have are ones that I should be able to cope with without my brain becoming a big, addled mess. But, for the moment, my ability to sort things out and cope with them has jumped the tracks. I don’t know why. It just has.

So, what am I having trouble sorting through…let’s see…

First off, I think this is all coming to a head because I have to teach on Monday–and have to plan the lessons I’m teaching–on a subject that I know little about and have had incredible trouble learning with any sense of surety. Not only am I nervous about how things will turn out, I’m also down on myself for not being able to grasp the subject. I’m supposed to be smart enough to learn any high school subject, right? But who knows how it’ll turn out. On the plus side there, no matter how bad I screw up it’ll all be done in two weeks.

Add to that that I miscalculated how much money I had in the bank and accidentally overdrafted on one of my accounts. I’m so fucking stupid. Again, it’s that disorganization in my brain that screwed myself over. I’m usually so organized with my money and now I do this to myself? My brain is just so muddled right now.

Oh, and on top of that, I’ve had a mysterious physical problem pop up and I’m scared shitless by it and preoccupied with it. I’m hoping it just goes away, because if not I have to call the doctor (which I hate doing in the first place) and then spend the time leading up to my appointment imagining the worst case scenarios. I already am in fact.

And if all that wasn’t enough, my dearest Afternoon Girl is going through a lot of stress herself and, because she is such a close friend of mine, that makes me sad and worried for her. Feeling helpless to fix her difficulties just gets me down even more. I hope the support and advice I’m giving at least helps. I think it does, but I wish I could do more.

And, I’m glad I wrote this, because I just realized that one of the things I haven’t been doing that I should be doing is talking about some of these different things. Holy shit I’m a genious for not even realizing until now that that’s part of the problem–I shut down a coping strategy that I had been using these past few months. 

Anyway, I’ve whined and rambled long enough. I’ll be back with a happier post sometime soon.

See ya.


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