It Would Be Funnier If It Were True

A conversation from Monday….explicit language warning to sensitive readers

I enter the bar and sit down… 

 D.: So, did you bang her last night?

Me (truly confused): Who?

D.: Who do you think? JetBlue. I bet you fucked the shit out of her.

Me: What? She was here alone at the end of the night. I went home.

D.: Yeah, right. You can’t pull the wool over my eyes.

Jilted One (joining in): What’s going on?

D.: He banged JetBlue last night.

Jilted One: Awww, you’re hittin’ her now? That’s so cute. (Okay, she actually referred to JetBlue by another nickname that everyone has for her, but I won’t get into that.)

Me: I didn’t bang her last night. I gave Tattoo Guy a ride home and she came here.

Jilted One: Yeah, right. I’m sure you’re at least getting blow jobs from her. I know she likes to do that.

Me: I have nothing to do with her. Seriously.

D.: Yeah right. Whatever.

Later in the evening…

Jilted One: Why isn’t your girlfriend out tonight?

Me: Oh, man. She’s NOT my girlfriend.

Jilted One (with a sly sort of smile that she’s so good at pulling off): That’s not what I heard.

Me: (Turning to M. who was now at the bar) You were here last night. JetBlue came in alone right?

M: Maybe she did and maybe she didn’t. Who’s asking?

Jilted One: She’s fucking him but he wants to keep it hush hush. 

Me: I think she’s into Tattoo Guy now anyway.

M.: Methinks you protest too much.

Jilted One: I know why she’s not here. I bet you tired her out last night!

Me: Could we get off JetBlue for now?…Wait, don’t even say it!

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