Dumbshit Puppy Dog

It’s been over a week since I posted and a busy week it’s been. Unfortunately, that’s both on the homefront and at work, so I’m hard-pressed to even give you a skeleton outline of my week. But, that’s all I can do for now. Maybe I will fill in some stories tomorrow, but, for now, this is all it is.

Last Tuesday–super-fun night with my new “friend” Ms. Hold ‘Em and the rest of the pool team. Like, to a totally weird extent–we decided that indeed we are just friends, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t have the occasional “date” as long as no relationship was implied. She even gave me a long kiss, just to check that the reason she broke up with me wasn’t about us but was just about not being in a place where any relationship seemed like a good idea (this was the reason she had finally come out with).

Thursday, poker night, the weirdest thing was that MHE came in a made an overt point of saving a seat for Mr. Asshole right next to her–the better to flirt with, I guess. That didn’t faze me but when Mr. Asshole’s girlfriend came in and sat on the other side of him–and they were all squeezed together because the table was crowded–L. the bartender and I began to laugh uproariously. I SO wanted to get a photo. Oh well, I thought, as ye sow so shall ye reap…or something like that.

On Friday, MHE and I were both at the bar (and the secret bar), mostly together, but just as “friends”. We listened to music and played pool and we held hands and got real close and she told me that she loved spending time with me…oh, but we’re still just friends.

And you wonder why men often wonder about women…

Saturday and Sunday night I had time with “The Other Option”, as I’ve now dubbed her, and it was good real good. The question I have–and this is because one of MHE’s friends said I should–is do I tell MHE about The Other Option at this point while it’s just a casual side thing? I didn’t think so, in part, because MHE dumped my ass. Oh, and I also don’t want to be seeming to be throwing it in her face.

Monday I had a meeting and a fun meeting after the meeting. D. was there with The Bank Teller, a woman that I knew previously strictly from the bank. The two of them weren’t getting along all that well so, in my pleasantly drunk state, I totally hit on her and gave her my number, all in front of D. Luckily, he doesn’t have any lasting emotions toward women, so he pretty much didn’t seem to care. I, however, felt good. She is wicked cute and probably has no interest in me, but it was nice to be flirted with for a while.

Tuesday, MHE and I had another Totally Awesome Tuesday. More feeling of we’re the most amazing (not a) couple in the world. Except there were a few twists. D. overtly flirting with MHE (payback from Monday perhaps?), D. mentioning that The Teller might be there last night in front of MHE (helping to let her know that I’m not sitting around waiting for her? or maybe another attempt at payback?), MHE getting pissingly jealous for a few moments when I was talking to Tina Feylike girl outside last night:
Two weeks ago, MHE suggested humorously that she could set me up with this woman, last night she said the exact same words but with such rancor that I was scared. But not so scared that I didn’t say: “No, thanks. My dance card is already pretty much filled.” Asshole comeback, but I decided not to appease her jealousy or to make things weird by saying “No, I love only you, godammit!” She stormed away to a corner of the deck at that point. I followed a moment later and asked her if she was okay and she said: “Oh, I was only kidding!” It wasn’t too convincing, but I let her save face. Why would she be jealous after all? She thinks this freedom stuff is great!

Anyway, let’s see, what else…oh, after that she overtly flirted with one of the pool players–sorry MHE but if I put up with that when we were together, now it was no problem at all. Oh, and at the end of the night she paid my tab. All in all, just another beautifully effed up evening in my world.

I’m really thinking I’m not going to be able to handle this type of friendship for long. Although I can talk about the chaotic part of her that recklessly does what it wants with no regard for others’ feelings for hours, I can also dwell on the amazing 90% of her that is wonderful and fun and so clearly in love with me too. And though she can be cruel and heartless if the mood suits her chaotic side, we’re just too perfect together the rest of the time. I still love her (really really deeply in my heart) but I fear that that means that I have to let her go. I don’t for a moment doubt that this is not a good time for a relationship for her and more and more I’m thinking it’s not a good time for me to get into the rut of being in this kind of love.

I don’t know. I’ll see her tomorrow. Thursday’s, even with Mr. Asshole around, though, are so much easier to handle. Well, so far at least.

I know, I know. I’m probably doomed to keep being the dumbshit puppy dog, taking the smacks and slaps because I know that every once in a while a treat will be thrown my way. Yep. That’s quite the update…


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